I walked across the stage today, shook the hand of our amazing Chancellor, and returned back to my seat feeling nothing. This massive realization that college is over hasn’t really hit me yet and I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it will hit me when August rolls around and I don’t have any notebooks or planners to organize, or maybe it will hit me smack dab in the middle of summer and I will be launched into another depressive state. Who knows really.
I spent the night before graduation soaking it all in. I got together with some of my closest friends and sang, danced, and laughed until I barely had a voice. All sober might I add. I think I thought my last night of college may have closed with some complete rager of a party, but I was completely content singing “Hey Jude” pretty terribly with a group of friends, playing ping pong, and dipping my toes in the kiddie pool outside the Lambda Chi house. I think I felt like if I were to end the night it would all truly be over and that was a pill I wasn’t able to swallow. My night ended around 4 am, and I journaled for an hour all of my feelings because I did not want to forget how I felt at that moment. Holding on to this last piece of what it means to be in college. It makes me sad to know that in the big girl world hanging out with your friends singing “I love college” at the top of my lungs until the wee hours of the morning is not the norm. It’s scary. It’s sad. It’s a reality I am not ready for.
I think I am having a bit of imposter syndrome in complete transparency. I was walking that stage with 22 and 23-year-olds and here I was 20 years old, a fetus if you will, walking across the stage to get a fake diploma. I kid you not I had to check my grades in the middle of the ceremony because surely I had failed a class and I wasn’t actually graduating. My 3.8 semester GPA disagreed. I thought to myself there’s no way that this is happening. There is no way I could be about to graduate. There is no way on this planet that I should be here. But I am. I did the work. I made the grades. I took all the classes, so why can’t I accept this reality? My only explanation is that I am just not ready to let it go.
I would have been the first one to gripe and complain about having to take classes, or write a paper, and said “I am sick of this” more times than I can count. But if I could do it all over again, even in the awkward freshman stage, I would in a heartbeat. I think I spent so much time getting ready to graduate that I forgot to soak in all the moments that I would miss. If I could slap myself in the face every time I wished the time away I would. The finality of today really doesn’t feel real, but I know that it is.
My friends and family came to support me today and I felt so much love and support, but there was one thing missing and that was my mom. I don’t want to delve into full detail yet on the weird and constrained relationship we share. But I was disappointed that she wasn’t there. Not telling her I did it. To not feel her radiant support and unwavering love. I understand all the circumstances that led to her not being able to be there. I know I’m my heart that she wanted to be there. But it still left a sting in my heart that wouldn’t go away. I had to remind myself that there were so many people there that showed up for me and to be appreciative and focus on what I could control. If you know me, you know this was so challenging. But changing my perspective and focusing on the positive really helped me from sinking into a hole of sadness. Sometimes a change of perspective is what you need to be able to cope with situations that disturb your peace. I was bound and dang determined not to let anything steal my bittersweet happiness and excitement today.
In the same breath as all this sadness, I realize that the world is at my fingertips. I can be and become anything I want. There are a million different paths I could take. A million different possibilities of how my life could soon look. Any single choice changes the directory of my future and which version of this life I have the privilege to live (trying to shift my perspective again). I am cautiously optimistic and it is very exciting to know that the first day of the rest of my life starts at this moment. No more papers, tests, or late-night studying in the library. But now I have the chance to pursue what makes me happy and the job that I am passionate about. I get to be the person I have always wanted to be. I get to live this life and that is a blessing in itself.
I still feel like an imposter, the true reality still hasn’t hit, but I know when it does I will be okay. I know that college will forever hold a special place in my heart. The people I have met will always be a part of my life. As I pack up the house I have lived in for two and a half years, I am sad. However, I know that this is a fresh start. So as I dry my tears, pack my bags, and say goodbye to the most enjoyable (and let’s be honest sometimes difficult) times of my life, I know I am going to be okay and that is enough for me.
Goodbye Troy. Hello the rest of my life, I am looking forward to meeting you.
XO
Kaylee
Hot Mess Express 