Life post-college is the strangest thing I have ever experienced. I constantly feel like I’m missing something, or should be doing an assignment. This whole not having a schedule and going with the flow thing is so foreign to me that it feels strange. At times I feel so free and happy to just be living life with little to no responsibility, but other times it feels like I’m just going through the motions.

I moved to the lake to serve at a restaurant with my best friend. I love that our daily schedule consists of tanning by the pool, or spending time at the lake until our night shift. It easily is the happiest I have been in a very long time. There’s just something so fun about living with your best friend, working together, and having the time of your lives all while making more money than I’ve ever seen on a paycheck before. We laugh together, we cry together, we take on mean customers together, and somehow we have yet to get tired of each other. Sometimes I wish I could stay in this phase of life forever. This is the first time in a very long time that I haven’t had daily mental breakdowns or cried myself to sleep. Maybe the weight of being in college has lifted and I finally am starting to come back to the best version of myself. Maybe it’s the location change. Or maybe it’s just because I am physically incapable of not laughing around Emma even in the most inappropriate of times.

While I am having the summer of my life. I also feel overwhelming anxiety in the back of my head just brewing. I know that in a couple of months the summer heat and bliss of having no responsibility will end and I will be faced with the reality of the big girl world. Finding a job. Paying rent. And big girl bills. Looking for jobs and budgeting are all so overwhelming. But something I’m learning is to not let the fear of the future intrude on the enjoyment of the present.

When I was a cheerleader in college our coach was always throwing inspirational lines at us. I’ll never forget being dog-tired after an 8-hour practice with only a few days left until we boarded the bus to the 2020 UCA nationals. He told us to be where our feet were at. So many people would have killed for the opportunity that we had. We had to put aside the exhaustion and frustrations and be where our feet were. That stuck with me and I’m trying every day to remember that at the moment where uncertainty is strong, I cannot do a single thing about the future. I can only be where my feet are and live each day with purpose.

Now, don’t get me wrong this is not at all me saying don’t plan your life out. Don’t live day to day with no plan in sight. Just don’t let the anxiety of not having it all figured out take away the experiences you’re having in the now.

Until August comes I’ll make a plan for what’s next in my life, but I also will be enjoying drinks by the pool and getting tan. Then go to work, have fun, and make money. The beauty of life is there’s so much to experience and I plan on taking every advantage of that.

Summer can be the best time to relax, unwind, take a break, and enjoy the weather until fall comes and seasonal depression takes over. I’m not naive enough to believe that I’m not going to be anxious at all this summer. But I know now that just taking a minute to enjoy the season of life I am in now will do wonders for my mental health and allow me to truly make memories.

Besides what’s the point of taking a summer off and stressing every minute about what’s next. You’ll miss out on all the memories you can make now. You’ll miss out on those moments where you could have been laughing instead of crying. You’ll miss out on those moments that you’ll never get back. I won’t be missing out on any more moments because this life is meant to be full of love and happiness and joy. You best bet I’m gonna take this time to enjoy the happiness I deserve.

I walked across the stage today, shook the hand of our amazing Chancellor, and returned back to my seat feeling nothing. This massive realization that college is over hasn’t really hit me yet and I’m not entirely sure why. Maybe it will hit me when August rolls around and I don’t have any notebooks or planners to organize, or maybe it will hit me smack dab in the middle of summer and I will be launched into another depressive state. Who knows really.

I spent the night before graduation soaking it all in. I got together with some of my closest friends and sang, danced, and laughed until I barely had a voice. All sober might I add. I think I thought my last night of college may have closed with some complete rager of a party, but I was completely content singing “Hey Jude” pretty terribly with a group of friends, playing ping pong, and dipping my toes in the kiddie pool outside the Lambda Chi house. I think I felt like if I were to end the night it would all truly be over and that was a pill I wasn’t able to swallow. My night ended around 4 am, and I journaled for an hour all of my feelings because I did not want to forget how I felt at that moment. Holding on to this last piece of what it means to be in college. It makes me sad to know that in the big girl world hanging out with your friends singing “I love college” at the top of my lungs until the wee hours of the morning is not the norm. It’s scary. It’s sad. It’s a reality I am not ready for.

I think I am having a bit of imposter syndrome in complete transparency. I was walking that stage with 22 and 23-year-olds and here I was 20 years old, a fetus if you will, walking across the stage to get a fake diploma. I kid you not I had to check my grades in the middle of the ceremony because surely I had failed a class and I wasn’t actually graduating. My 3.8 semester GPA disagreed. I thought to myself there’s no way that this is happening. There is no way I could be about to graduate. There is no way on this planet that I should be here. But I am. I did the work. I made the grades. I took all the classes, so why can’t I accept this reality? My only explanation is that I am just not ready to let it go.

I would have been the first one to gripe and complain about having to take classes, or write a paper, and said “I am sick of this” more times than I can count. But if I could do it all over again, even in the awkward freshman stage, I would in a heartbeat. I think I spent so much time getting ready to graduate that I forgot to soak in all the moments that I would miss. If I could slap myself in the face every time I wished the time away I would. The finality of today really doesn’t feel real, but I know that it is.

My friends and family came to support me today and I felt so much love and support, but there was one thing missing and that was my mom. I don’t want to delve into full detail yet on the weird and constrained relationship we share. But I was disappointed that she wasn’t there. Not telling her I did it. To not feel her radiant support and unwavering love. I understand all the circumstances that led to her not being able to be there. I know I’m my heart that she wanted to be there. But it still left a sting in my heart that wouldn’t go away. I had to remind myself that there were so many people there that showed up for me and to be appreciative and focus on what I could control. If you know me, you know this was so challenging. But changing my perspective and focusing on the positive really helped me from sinking into a hole of sadness. Sometimes a change of perspective is what you need to be able to cope with situations that disturb your peace. I was bound and dang determined not to let anything steal my bittersweet happiness and excitement today.

In the same breath as all this sadness, I realize that the world is at my fingertips. I can be and become anything I want. There are a million different paths I could take. A million different possibilities of how my life could soon look. Any single choice changes the directory of my future and which version of this life I have the privilege to live (trying to shift my perspective again). I am cautiously optimistic and it is very exciting to know that the first day of the rest of my life starts at this moment. No more papers, tests, or late-night studying in the library. But now I have the chance to pursue what makes me happy and the job that I am passionate about. I get to be the person I have always wanted to be. I get to live this life and that is a blessing in itself.

I still feel like an imposter, the true reality still hasn’t hit, but I know when it does I will be okay. I know that college will forever hold a special place in my heart. The people I have met will always be a part of my life. As I pack up the house I have lived in for two and a half years, I am sad. However, I know that this is a fresh start. So as I dry my tears, pack my bags, and say goodbye to the most enjoyable (and let’s be honest sometimes difficult) times of my life, I know I am going to be okay and that is enough for me.

Goodbye Troy. Hello the rest of my life, I am looking forward to meeting you.

XO

Kaylee