Chapter 1: Lets do this thing

I think I have always been an overachiever. Both a blessing and a curse. Now don’t get me wrong, this go-getter personality has brought me some amazing things in this (short) life. But it also contributes to the extremely overwhelming anxiety that is me. Since I was in middle school my friends would compare me to a squirrel on crack. I always had to be moving. Always had to be doing something productive. I would not settle for second best, or mediocre. I had to be perfect. I look back now and have absolutely no earthly idea how I woke up at 7 am and didn’t stop moving until my eyes closed around 2 am. Now, I need my daily nap or relaxing moment just to make it past 11 pm.

It took lots of therapy and self-reflection to realize my over-achiever mentality was me just trying to find any way to seek the approval of those I respected. I thought if I was involved in every club, wore every cord at graduation, and even graduated with my first college degree before I had even reached my 18th birthday would prove my place in this world. Maybe it was my parents, maybe society, maybe the subconscious need to out-do all my friends (sorry y’all). But regardless it created a monster. Not outwardly and in your mean girl way. I typically hate confrontation, I am a people pleaser to the ninth degree. But in the way that I created the most unrealistic goals for myself and pursued them fiercely (this is where my therapist would tell me to acknowledge my successes) and achieved them at the cost of my mental health.

In the three years since moving out of the house that built and grew me within the paper-thin yellow walls, I have done more than I can even fathom. It feels like I have lived 20 different lives. I was a Division 1 college cheerleader and competed at UCA College Nationals as a Freshman. I joined a sorority and it challenged me in many different ways. I was a daycare teacher to the most perfect little babies that I will be obsessed with until they are grown and graduated high school (is that weird, hope not). I am a survivor of Sexual Assault. I became a very mediocre and uneducated self-proclaimed mock lawyer during my court dates and trial. Like no joke, I bought an LSAT textbook. I was a University intern that turned into being offered a job at the university I love so dearly. I am a Nanny/babysitter to 3 amazing and smart little girls, and I’m the occasional Instacart shopper (broke girl probs). I have a B.S. in Communications and Public Relations. I am a sister, a daughter, and a friend. But I will still tell myself it’s not enough. My negative self-talk and overwhelming desire to succeed and over-achieve tell me I am lazy. I am not good enough. I should have been in more clubs or organizations. Or maybe I should have picked up a fourth job (I probably sound absolutely ridiculous).

Somehow when I write it all out it makes me take a moment to self-reflect and be proud of how far I have come in such a short amount of time. Not only did I achieve and succeed in all of those things, but I also dealt and am still dealing with one of the hardest things of my life that takes people years to recover from. I won’t get too heavy into my SA experience, as I am still healing and I think I have shoved down those feelings so deep that I like to pretend they aren’t there. But they are, and it is something that knocks the knees out from me some days even when I don’t expect it.

Now, I realize it sounds like my life is all put together and I am on the path to success right? Maybe on paper. Inside this brain, it is a HOT mess. So much so that some days I don’t leave my bed. Sometimes my leg hair is so long I swear I could braid it. Somedays the weight of the world feels so heavy that I don’t think I can keep going. I look for jobs on indeed and scroll like it’s the Met Gala weekend and I am judging every dress (even though those dresses cost more than my entire rental home). I feel like I will never be able to be successful in any of those career paths. Even though I love my major, I am good at my major, and I am passionate about my field of study. I freak out that I will never be able to actually do those job descriptions. The transition from college to the big girl world is already really intimidating. Doing it alone at 20? Terrifying.

I am sure that I am not alone in this. So we’re going to do this really weird, intimidating, scary thing called life together. We are going to learn together to not limit ourselves to the negative lies that our brains and the world tell us. We are going to channel that overachiever mentality and do it healthily. The world is our oyster (too cheesy? sorry you will have to excuse my corniness). We know women have to fight twice as hard to earn their place at the table, let’s not let ourselves stand in the way too.

If you can get past my scatter-brain and side-bars, I think we could benefit from each other. I love talking to people (communications major lol) so please reach out to me. Please talk to me. That sounds so desperate. I truly love communicating with people and sharing stories. I love to learn about other perspectives outside of my own. I embrace every new person with their own stories openly because I know not a single one of us has a perfect life. Except maybe North West. That kid has it made. Just kidding. Kinda.

Anyways let’s do this life thing together. Let’s learn from each other. If you hate my writing, I am sorry. I am still learning how to do this thing. But I want this blog to be a learning experience and a helpful place for everyone. Let me know what you think.

It is currently 1:36 AM and I have no idea how to end this blog. So this is the end.

XO ,

Kaylee